Mid May (I think)

I think it would be nice to die, I don't have the courage to do it myself, as I'm quite weary of the suffering, but I'd like it if I succumbed to some nefarious external circumstance. A car crash for instance is what I imagine often - quick and painless, with a cathartic millisecond between the impact and death when the relief washes over me and I realise what a stroke of luck! and I'm gone before I can waste any more time on pointless what ifs.

Sometimes dream about my parents confronting me, I want to get yelled at so I can shout back, maybe because I might release some solution from deep inside of me that's otherwise inaccessible. It reminds me of when I broke my wax pens when I was little and my mom didn't yell at me so I started crying.

I guess there's really no two ways about it I just want to watch the world burn.

16.05 

I wonder how many times I have to wake up wanting to die until I stop wanting anything at all.